Middling Reviews By Subgenres
Middling Reviews By Subgenres
Embedded Files
Middling reviews are reviews not short enough to be tiny reviews but that aren't as in-depth or focused as deep dives or reviews of entire franchises. Some go more in-depth than others but most include a plot synopsis and overview. Each header is a drop down that has the review text underneath it.
Hellbender (2022)
Hellbender (2022)
Spoiler-Free Intro
Spoiler-Free Intro
Available to watch now on Shudder, Hellbender is a 2021 horror movie that bends the typical witch horror tropes and creates a unique supernatural world that exists amongst our own. Following a protective mother and her adolescent daughter that live in rural woods their idyllic, but off-grid life, is turned upside down when the daughter begins to question their reality and the world around them. Living off of foraged plant life Izzy, portrayed by Zelda Adams, and her mother, portrayed by Toby Poser, play in a 2 person metal band together when Izzy isn’t being homeschooled or wandering the woods. Believing she has an autoimmune disorder that requires her to stay away from other people the only exposure Izzy has to the outside world is through her mother who travels to town every so often to run errands.
Part 1 Synopsis & Overview
Part 1 Synopsis & Overview
Purchasing art supplies and art like the sick black crown featured on the movie’s theatrical release poster, Izzy's mom tries to keep her contained while also utilizing magic to spy on her from the sky. On a random day Izzy encounters a man hiking while she’s drawing by a creek who is lost and requests directions to the nearby highway. She keeps her distance but this friendly man, portrayed by John Adams, is just excited to find locals and wants to connect with them. During their conversation Izzy’s mom appears on the cliff above them, asking why this man is trespassing and what he wants. With inhuman speed she teleports from above them to right behind the hiker by the time he turns around, revealing early on that they are definitely not run of the mill witches or hippies living in the forest.Offering to guide him back while Izzy returns home her mother leads him into the forest and asks him questions about himself like if he’s married or has children. Just before this he reveals he has a niece around the same age as Izzy who lives on the nearby mountain, offering to introduce them so Izzy has someone around her age to connect with. After he reveals he doesn’t have family or a partner she lifts him off the ground using telekinesis and cuts his arm, causing blood to pool in his hand. She dabs one drop and seems overtaken by it when she consumes it before she turns him to ash that falls to the ground. Unfortunately for her mother Izzy meets the hiker’s niece, Amber, portrayed by Lulu Adams, anyways when Izzy sees her at the pool of a house she’s watching from the forest.Amber calls Izzy over and the pair have fun swimming in the pool together, Amber impressed that Izzy’s in a metal band called Hellbender. She invites Izzy to come play at the pool the following day, saying she has some friends coming over that she can introduce Izzy to. Izzy floats the idea to her mom at dinner but her mom isn’t interested in any ideas that will bring Izzy into contact with other people. At the party Izzy puts on a borrowed bikini and has a good time with Amber and her 2 friends, AJ portrayed by Rinzin Thonden and Ingrid played by Khenzom. She plays the drums and they all think she’s really rad, offering her a shot with a worm in it. Things go haywire then, Izzy letting out a face reddening, blood curdling scream once the worm settles in her stomach, having warned them that she’d always been strictly vegan.As this happens the real owners of the house return home and the teens go running into the woods and off of the property. In the woods Izzy is in a trance, her vision bending and melting like she’s on a drug trip. In this state she goes to choke Amber which Amber perceives as her hitting on her rather than attacking her which results in Amber screaming at her to never come near her again as she runs away from Izzy. Izzy goes back to get her shoes and clothes but then is confronted by the house’s owner, the scene ending on Izzy chuckling in response to him without showing how the interaction concluded. Back at their house Izzy’s mother is worried and concerned when she learns of the situation and that Izzy has consumed a worm.Now that Izzy has consumed meat per-say her mother starts to teach her their ways and what is happening in Izzy. Mother explains that she can help Izzy control her powers that Mother and her own mom had as well, stating her own mother wasn’t good at the mothering portion of raising her. Izzy wants to leave the mountain now that she knows she’s not sick and her mother shows her how to activate their powers by consuming living creatures, using a caterpillar to show her how. A montage shows the pair adapting to their new normal as Izzy continues exploring and expanding her powers, even without her mother present. Her mother encourages Izzy to stay isolated and without humans, arguing they don’t need them and aren’t like humans.
Part 2 Synopsis & Overview
Part 2 Synopsis & Overview
Izzy begins to resent her mother’s way of life, in particular feeling that since her mother interacts with outsiders that only she is truly alone. She begins sneaking into the upstairs attic, only accessible when one of them places their palm on a sigil on the door that releases a key through their hand. Inside she places her hand over the book with the same sigil and has visions like her mother’s but her own are triumphant rather than warnings like her mother’s visions. Both of their visions show her mother flying through the sky in flames, screaming while still tied to a post. Photos in the attic show different generations of their lineage at different time periods and Izzy uses a similar spell to her mom’s in order to follow Amber around the woods.On a forest hike Izzy and her mother happen upon the ripped clean skeleton of a deer that Izzy calls beautiful but vicious. Her mother argues it’s neither or and that rather the thing that did it is just acting in its nature. Later on by a waterfall she asks her mother what their nature is to which she replies that it is dark. Her mother warns that their ancestors became “drunk on the fear” that their power generates and bent towards hell rather than the heavens, explaining the name Hellbender. She asks Izzy if she wants a legacy of being feared and unloved but Izzy states she doesn’t and the subject changes to a pop quiz of ingredient combos. This reveals they have an almost unlimited range of capabilities if they combine their knowledge with their raw power.Mother reveals that they are self-reproducing like ferns, which they agree is awesome, and she shows her how to activate a power they no longer use. By crushing a fern and mushroom into their palm after pricking their palms they can smell warm blooded creatures nearby just as a ranger appears on top of the ridge. He asks if he can talk to them briefly and compliments Izzy’s shirt before asking if they have seen carcasses around the area. He thinks the hiker uncle was killed by a rabid mountain lion but they claim to have no idea of any carcasses. Suddenly after her mother says they have no idea about hikers in the area Izzy tells the ranger that it could’ve been a Hellbender. She proceeds to say it’s a witch, demon, and apex predator cross and that they live off of fear pumping through human blood. She says they’ve been around since the dawn of time but are evolving now and he laughs, recommending she become a writer if not a designer.He tells them to take care of themselves and walks off, leaving them in the woods. Cut to winter and snow has piled on the ground and Mother is out by the water listening and observing, finding more animal carcasses. Using their seeing eye sigil she isn’t able to see through or activate it, causing her to become confused. Later on she gives Izzy a small worm but she says it’s baby food and suggests they eat something larger instead or get burgers even, troubling her mother. She passes her own worm over to Izzy and the conversation is settled. To reconnect her mother shows her what she calls “her special stash” which is live maggots, she states are powerful due to being actual death eaters.She tells Izzy she collected them from a deer carcass that looked like it had a terrifying end which she says enhances the experience. Outside Izzy tackles her mother and tells her she can keep her useless maggots since they won’t allow them to fly, proceeding to vomit up a blood-like substance into her mother’s face. Rather than being upset her mother laughs maniacally and throws Izzy off only to repeat the same blood vomit in her face. Both laugh with the bloody maggots in their faces and create images in the sky. Her mother creates a flower that Izzy destroys, then a heart she throws an arrow through, and her mother calls her a bitch.
Part 3 Synopsis & Overview
Part 3 Synopsis & Overview
Her mother asks if she’s been in her dreams and Izzy says they would make a great pair, her mother suddenly feeling sick and wanting to shower. She tells Izzy that what they did was bad and they couldn’t do it again but Izzy wants to hear about her own mother. She tells Izzy that her mother was a monster who ate an entire village but felt guilty so sewed her own mouth shut. She didn’t starve though but was hung, the rope not having an impact on her. She tells Izzy that her mother died the same way all hellbenders die, “Spring eats winter, winter eats fall. Fall eats summer,” and Izzy asks her age which she says is 147 she believes. When Izzy asks her how old she’ll be she tells Izzy to tell her.Cut to a deserted town street and Izzy comes out to confront Amber as she’s leaving work, offering her swimsuit back with an apology for being weird. Amber says the guy who chased them got attacked by a wild animal and she says she hoped nothing happened to Izzy. When Izzy offers Amber her hair barrettes back and admits to stealing them she tells Izzy to stay away from her and walks away down the deserted street. The next morning Izzy isn’t in the house and her mother is unable to release the attic door’s key, finding it already unlocked and the book missing. She finds the book in Izzy’s room and by placing her hand over the book it reveals Izzy killing the man last summer and swimming until the blood was gone. It also shows that Izzy saw her mother’s witch nanny cam in the sky and used her own powers to disable it and stop her mother from finding out what she’d done.In this moment her mother lets out a scream and is whooshed outside and is standing in front of Izzy who greets her expectantly. She tells her new lyrics she’s written for Hellbender which describe a wolf who tries to be a sheep by “cutting her claws and cracking her teeth” and tries to do the same to her daughter. In the lyrics the daughter grows up and is still a wolf who eats her mother because she’s a sheep. Izzy reveals that her friend Amber is still alive while she consumes her, showing her terrified before her mother leaves the vision state to reveal she’s in Izzy’s room. From down in the basement she hears Amber screaming for help and goes down to investigate.In the basement inside a wooden box is an underground tunnel that looks like it’s lined with innards and earth. Mother crawls through this tunnel towards Amber’s cries for help and ends up in an open cavern where Amber lays injured and unable to move. She wipes up some of the blood and puts it in her mouth, overcomes with the strength of Amber’s fear and gets up to look around the cavern. Izzy is down there and says it’s her happy place, admitting she knows that her mother “dusted” Amber’s dad and states she likes that trick, saying she used it in front of Amber. She tells her mom if humans want to believe in hell so badly she intends to give it to them.Izzy tells her mother that she knows all of the bad things her mother has done like killing babies and admits she kept Izzy from being like her. Izzy recites the saying of the seasons eating one another and she asks if her mom’s mother sacrificed herself and taunts her to reveal herself. She does and her face becomes terrifying with more teeth rows and hollow black eye sockets before Izzy tells her she intends to show herself too, turning Amber to dust. Her mom pleads she isn’t ready but Izzy says she isn’t going to eat her and that she loves her, stating she isn’t ready to be on her own. She tells her mom she loves her and she’s going to town, asking if she needs anything and she responds with bass strings.
Conclusion & My Thoughts
Conclusion & My Thoughts
I like the twist reveal and confirmation that Izzy has known all along what her mother was teaching her and also had no intention of following her lifestyle. Though hints are left throughout, in particular as Izzy’s exposure to hellbender teachings increases and shares her own opinions with her mother, it is a good a-ha moment as a viewer to see the pieces come together. I also like that Amber is a thread throughout and shows Izzy’s attempts at navigating the “real world” outside of the bubble her mother has created. The twist that they’re heavy metal witches on the overprotective mother is cool and allows for more deep thought into the control rather than stopping at the surface of weird restrictions on clothes, words, or opinions.
Her control is rooted in fear but rather than pure fear of what Izzy is capable of she’s worried that Izzy will turn on her like she turned on her mother. She tells Izzy she only did what she was taught to do when she’s confronted with her own lifestyle that contradicts her teachings to Izzy. Although her mother has guilt and shame about the pain she’s caused I think her actions and precautions are rooted in not wanting to be usurped by her offspring rather than a true motive to live a lifestyle different from her nature.
This tale is about as nature versus nurture as it gets and in the end we see that, as is often true, people are a combination of both. Rather than cruelly kill her mother just because it feels like the natural culmination to events she says she still needs her mother and her mother’s teachings and even offers to get her things from town. This is reminiscent of a teenage girl and her mother fighting in the real world with the stakes raised to a million when compounded with life and death scenarios.
One of my favorite things about horror is the ability to make you think about life in simpler terms because you see the same circumstances play out on a grand and fantastical scale. Often the consequences of real life are unseen but in horror the consequences are shown in blood and agony, impossible to miss or escape. Mother’s decision to hide Izzy’s true nature from herself caused her to be even more fascinated and inclined to accept it once she found out. This follows a pattern of rebelling against whatever your parent’s stances are even if they’re the other member in your metal band. Hellbender also feels like a grander way to look at womanhood and how different women approach it for better or worse.
Passing down your trained womanhood or choosing not to have consequences you cannot readily predict without the 20/20 of hindsight or an aerial view of the scenario. My biggest critique is more of a critique about myself: some scenes moved slower to build suspense and often had quiet moments of tension that I got distracted during. I think those scenes are good and essential however and wouldn’t necessarily replace them but am rather conscious of my social media damaged attention span.
The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Spoiler-Free Intro
Spoiler-Free Intro
Many movies take on the feat of commentating on the genre they are creating in. Satire, the act of self aware humor, we aren’t actually saying we believe this or that or that we condone this or that we are just commenting on it. Sarcasm is to interaction as satire is to humor. Starting with scenes of a blood sacrifices, cannibalism, and war taking place across multiple cultures and circumstances, depictions of torture and hell on earth we have our first clues to the mysteries of the plot.
Part 1 Synopsis & Overview
Part 1 Synopsis & Overview
Stockholm goes south and we find out it’s just Japan and us, most likely the USA, with Sitterson, played by Richard Jenkins, the highest up in command that we see and Hadley, played by Bradley Whitford, his second in command. The last time we had a glitch is 1998, and despite Lin from chem raising concerns they assure her they have a plan, and back then it had been the chem department's fault. Bam, Cabin in the Woods flashes across the scene and immediately if you’ve come in blind you’re probably thinking, “um, okay, what even?” while we cut to yet another different scene of a quaint college town.Pants-less college girl, named Dana played by Kristen Connolly, pining over her professor and her roomie who just dyed her hair blonde, named Jules played by Anna Hutchinson, and has just the right thing for her roommate–a setup with the new guy on the football team, Holden played by Jesse Williams, whom her boyfriend, Curt played by Chris Hemsworth, is bringing on their trip this weekend.From the start things are seriously unserious, with Curt throwing a football through the two girls and out the window only for Holden to catch it perfectly on time with them talking about the set up with Holden. My personal favorite character is introduced next, Marty played by Fran Kanz, the random stoner of the group who is endearing if not questionable morally, showing up smoking and driving just in time to make the trip. They treat him like a lovable idiot but he makes rather intelligent remarks and jokes that go somewhat unnoticed.So already there’s a weird feeling like you’re noticing something but since none of the other characters are you’re not sure if it’s actually a thing in the movie or not, luckily in this case it is. Marty brings along his retractable bong disguised as a metal coffee thermos with the bowl as the handle, an extremely sick accessory definitely conceived by some high people. A spy like man on the roof reports to the main office that they’re right on time but we still aren’t sure what for. And just like that we have our squad of horror archetypes together: the not-like-other-girls quieter girl, the dumb blonde best friend and her jock boyfriend who’s cousin’s new cabin they’re visiting (with no further details other than general landmarks near the cabin), the too perfect guy they brought for the main girl, and the stoner tag along fifth wheel comedic relief.
Part 2 Synopsis & Overview
Part 2 Synopsis & Overview
We, the audience, are briefed alongside a security hire special agent type guy named Truman played by Brian White, that this is a serious and special operation that requires him to have been given the low-down by the big guys, whoever they are. The security hire is a really cool way of giving us narrator-like information without having weird, unrealistic conversations between the other characters who are senior executives at this corporation. Wasting no time we’re next introduced to the first milestone of any textbook horror movie, a moment where the characters make the choice to continue down the path towards doom rather than turn back and follow their instincts, The Harbinger played by Tim DeZarn, an old man whose gas station they stop at to fill up and get directions to the cabin–which they only have landmarks to, extremely dangerous and reckless to plan a trip somewhere with no information at all about it. He scares the shit out of Holden who stupidly enters the closed gas station and snoops around looking for an attendant of some kind. He’s an archetype himself, with a hardened but vague background of “The War” but when asked which war he snaps at Jules saying she knows which war. He had made it clear he doesn’t like people coming and going in regard to that property and Marty stands his ground to the old man, making jokes about the man being so old it could possibly be the Civil War. Despite this interaction the group pushes forward. In a very Evil Dead like cabin the group finds themselves filled with unease and getting constant evidence that things are not right (like a horrifying painting hung on the wall covering a one way mirror into the bedroom next door and the general state of the cabin being in decline) they decide to continue on with their vacation. The Harbinger, Mordecai aka Mordy, calls the office to report feedback about the interaction with the group to Hadley who puts him on speaker for Sitterson, Lin, and even Truman to listen in on and rambles on warnings that “The Fool” almost derailed the plans. He warns them about The Fool, seemingly talking about Marty who burned him and isn’t so much of a fool after all.
Part 3 Synopsis
Part 3 Synopsis
Through Truman asking questions we learn that the group must choose what happens and that they have to incite some sort of punishment in order for “The System” to work the way it’s meant to. Everyone sets aside the obvious moral quandary of setting the group up for slaughter of some sort in order to make bets. We aren’t privy to what they’re betting on, each bet placed on a note and given to Hadley who is running the bet with Sitterson. Hadley tells an intern he’ll have to split the pot for his bet with maintenance because they bet the same every year, so we can assume that this happens annually. We learn that the director and upper management don’t particularly care if the employees bet on the outcome despite controlling the outcome. But alas, they still need the participants to ultimately make their own choice and can only set the stage for them rather than make them.The group back in the cabin goes on to play a game of truth-or-dare and like in most horror movies the game becomes oddly sexual, Jules making out with a taxidermy wolf on the wall. Midway through the game a door is swiftly open, extremely odd yet the group brushes it off, Curt even saying it must’ve been the wind…from the basement cellar…that pushed the door up and open…anyways. After general childish taunting the group dares Dana to go downstairs and not opt out of playing by choosing truth instead of dare and she does, only to scream out for help prompting Curt to tell her she needs to strip now since she failed, which ew.In the basement cellar they find a trove of creepy treasures, each of them becoming transfixed by a specific item: Jules on an old wedding dress with a black choker she wants to put on, Holden on a music box with a ballerina he’s gazing into the mirror of, Curt on solving a sphere shaped puzzle reminiscent of a Hellraiser cube, Dana on going through a desk full of old papers with clues about the family that owned the cabin originally, and Marty on holding old reels of retro footage negatives up to the light. They end up all focusing on a creepy diary that Dana finds belonging to the girl whose family lived in the cabin. Patience Buckner, played by Jodelle Ferland, wrote about her family’s torture and murders that took place at the cabin. She wrote as she died, after losing her arm, ultimately wanting someone to come there in the future to read included phrases in Latin to bring them back to finish their mission of pain. Marty, acting like the only rational one, doesn't want them to read it, but the rest of the group thinks it’s a completely normal idea to do so, and so Dana does. Of course this summons the family from beyond the grave as murderous zombie hillbillies but the group doesn’t know that yet and continue to go about their night in the cabin. Ronald The Intern and the maintenance team won the bet with their pick “Zombie Redneck Torture Family”, which we find out was for what monster would be summoned to take out the group. Options had been many and far between from merman (Hadley’s pick that he’s always wanted to see despite Sitterson warning him it’s actually disgusting), to Angry Molesting Tree and Dismemberment Goblins. Word comes in that the Japan team is known to be successful, showoffs, and that things are going according to plan, raising the stakes slightly while still keeping the vibe that of regional office competition.
Part 4 Synopsis
Part 4 Synopsis
Jules and Curt are acting odd enough that the group notices, being aggressive and sexual, unlike themselves. We of course know there’s pheromones at play and hair dye infused with chemicals to make Jules dumber. Marty pieces things together, that puppeteers are up to something here. He reminds Dana that Curt is a sociology major who is a star athlete and Jules is extremely intelligent as well which makes their behavior even more odd. Dana states she notices the night is weird too but only after Marty goes off in search of a book with pictures in it after she brushes him off. His high thoughts literally help make him see reality for what it is but he’s too high so even he brushes it off.We follow Jules and Curt into the forest, which the office team helps manufacture to ensure Of course even the possibility of seeing a naked college woman on the camera feeds causes every man back in the office to crowd into the main command center. There is apparently a customer that needs to be satisfied and somehow this display is important to make that happen so despite knowing it’s wrong, especially in light of her imminent death, they will still engage in it and rationalize it. A rather brutal attack ensues while Curt and Jules get frisky in the very orchestrated scene of the forest night. After she’s murdered by the hillbilly group we get more clues about who the bosses are and what we’re doing for them when both pray and then the one goes over to pull a lever that activates Jules’ blood pouring down over a stone engraved design we don’t know yet. Her blood fills it and we now know that this is for sure the blood sacrifice referenced at the start of the film and that they are sacrificing the group.Marty notices there aren’t any stars outside and says, “We are abandoned,” unintentionally referencing the circumstances and the religious group conducting the sacrifices. After Curt returns and informs the group of what happened and the hillbilly zombies she still wants The group wants to stay together and barricade the doors, which is the smart thing to do but they have a fail safe for that, pheromones into the room that encouraged Curt to suggest breaking up and Holden to follow his lead as a beta to his alpha. Marty of course notices this and questions them but the group is separated anyway when the Buckner zombies break into the cabin. Marty smashes a lamp by accident and finds a camera in the lamp.
Part 5 Synopsis
Part 5 Synopsis
Of course, due to being the burnout he thinks his parents would think of him if they could see him, he assumes this means he’s on a reality TV show and is grabbed through a window. Luckily, he has his trusty bong mug which might’ve saved him if the Buckner’s didn’t have a 100% clearance rate level of abilities. Marty is killed and another lever is pulled but this time we see the image, a person out dancing with a cup which we can assume to be The Fool. Unfortunately the group finds themselves in The Black Room from the diary they found the Latin incantation in earlier, the room used to kill the victims. Using a bear claw trap the big guy of the Buckner’s gets hold of Holden but Dana is a bad bitch and kills him anyways, her man, her man, her man. They use shock to make Dana drop the weapon which is really smart and interesting as there isn't a reason for any sane and controlling person in this circumstance to leave behind a weapon despite it always seeming that they do in horror movies. Unfortunately for our office, the kids in Japan defeated evil and vanquished the spirit with zero fatality. It’s confirmed we’re watching the American team when they make a comment about buying American. We are sacrificing to something to keep ancients at bay and without said sacrifice they will rise up, we still don’t know what that means at this point but someone is about to lose their job–the tunnel that’s supposed to be blocked with rocks is completely open and the last three sacrifice victims are heading through that tunnel out of the controlled environment of the dome with which the cabin is. At this point we know that the cabin is in a dome on top and below the cabin at an undetermined depth is the office where the employees are orchestrating the sacrifice offering. Below all of that even lower is where the boss or upper management or the ancients (which could all be the same at this point) are at. Demolition didn’t get the orders to blow and block the tunnel and there’s a glitch in electrical which sends the whole office into mayhem wondering why the tunnel hasn’t blown. Midway through the tunnel our guy sparks the right wires and gets that baby blown. It’s hard to decide who you’re even rooting for because on one hand they don't deserve to be sacrificed but on the other hand we don’t know what happens if “the ancients” rise up and if they’ll be killed regardless. We now have the last three of the group stuck on one side of the road and the tunnel on the other. Curt decides to cross it on his dirt bike in order to go get help and bring cops back and seek revenge on the Buckner’s in honor of Jules. What starts as a majestic and heroic feat quickly turns into one of the most, “oh shit?” moments of the movie, him flying right into the dome wall and crashing to his death below. Dana realizes that Marty had been right but we have another lever pulled and another image sort of revealed, a man with a spear and a ball, athletic and active looking.Holden still doesn’t believe this is some sort of weird set up, rather believing there has to be another way out, another way through but Dana is steadfast in her certainty that something else is happening other than just zombies. Out of fricking nowhere however Holden gets stabbed through the neck by the big dude from the Buckner squad, which took me by very much surprise even upon rewatch.After crashing into the lake below Dana fends off the Buckner zombie as she escapes to the surface and the dock. The new hire asks the group how it’s possible that everything is complete if she’s alive and we learn that the “virgin death” is optional and as long as she suffers they’re good to go. What would normally be the final scene of a horror movie about a cabin in the woods, Dana having a final battle with the Buckner zombie, pulls out to an office party. The office party celebration of completing the ritual and the office shmoozing and gossiping. Demolition is still adamant they didn’t get the order, informing them the power glitch came from upstairs. Suddenly, the red phone on the wall next to the ritual levers rings and everyone goes silent, “That’s impossible….” and just like that Marty my man is back.
Part 6 Synopsis
Part 6 Synopsis
Just as things are about to be over THE BONG is used to stop the bear trap and Marty gives a simple, “hi,” the true prophet returns! Marty has not only survived but he’s found a trap down in the grave the zombies climbed out of and pulls Dana down into that grave. He dismembered the zombie with a trowel, and is truly the hero we need. Marty has also found out how to open the elevator and figured out about maintenance overrides which would allow them to go down into the unknown below. All of a sudden our horror story is not in a cabin in the woods, but an underground Resident Evil style bunker. We are taken on a sideways, down and around elevator that momentarily pauses in front of various monsters like a ghost skeleton head, a werewolf, a ballerina with a gullet tooth thing for a mouth, and a Hellraiser demon with a sphere puzzle instead of a cube. Dana puts together that they chose, that they made them choose how they’d die and she’s incensed, banging the wall as we pull out to reveal an entire collection of horrifying demons. The main office knows that they’re in one of the monster cages and chem informs them that what he’s been smoking makes him immune, so not so much the fool after all. It’s revealed that he, as The Fool, needs to die before her, The Virgin, or the ritual will be ruined. They’re confronted by a man with a gun only for him to be thwarted and then to get out of the cage and into the facility. A voice over an intercom system informs them that they’re sorry for the circumstances and that this ritual is older than time and that it’s their task to “placate the ancient ones” and for them to be offered, they just want to get this dirty task over with. Dana and Marty are able to secure themselves in a guard booth that’s bulletproof and release the monsters that the overcome voice had just informed them are the worst of the worst monsters (but not as bad as the ancient ones). Being the bad bitch she is Dana releases all the monsters. An extremely funny and gross scene ensues–the SWAT-like team that came in to kill Marty and Dana, in that order, hears movement of the cages so halts advancing and pauses all sound only for an elevator ding to happen, a brief pause, the squad leader saying, “oh shit,” and a flood of monsters crash into and gruesomely kill them. This is probably the most known scene from the movie and definitely the most fun when all someone knows is that and the title.More special forces dudes come in and all of the walls are covered in blood and remains as yet another round of monsters are released from the elevators. We see everything from supernatural, to demon, to beast, and back. It’s a code black, all of the sectors are down and things are mayhem, in the background you can see the intern holding up a sign to the cameras assumably asking for help as he barricades. Dana and Marty’s respite doesn’t last for long, a screeching bat creature crashing through the window causing them to make a break for it. A zombie horde comes after them while we see a murdering clown impervious to bullets, a unicorn using its horn to murder, and the Buckner zombie girl making her way down. Despite weaponry, security protocol, and barricades the security dude gets got and decides to blow himself up, also blowing up the control office area. Only for a merman to come and devour him right as he says, “oh, come on,” and a gruesome blow hole death ensues. Our lady is taken out from the ceiling via a reptile creature and he makes it into the ancient tunnel below only to be stabbed by Dana. His final words to Dana are to kill Marty which throws her off enough for her to second guess what he’d been talking about. They make their way down even further into the room we’ve been seeing with the blood and the photos. All five are archetypes connected by a pentagon with spokes coming off of it in a circular pattern. Marty peers below the platform that the stone images are surrounding to see a fiery pit down below. She realizes it’s a ritual sacrifice and that it’s intention is to punish them. Sigourney Weaver is the director and comes out of nowhere to explain. Every culture is different but for us there’s five, the whore who dies first, the athlete who dies, the scholar, the fool who all suffer and die at the hands of the horror they raised. The last is the virgin who lives or dies by fate, they acknowledge she’s not a virgin and they work with what they have. The ancient ones below will remain there if they complete the sacrifice but if not they’ll rise up.
Conclusion & My Thoughts
Conclusion & My Thoughts
Marty is about loyalty and Dana about the ethical thing but it doesn't matter because a wolf attacks her and she’s dying while Weaver fights with Marty on the mount. The Buckner zombie, ever persistent, returns to finish them off and kills her rather than Marty, allowing him to knock them off the mount.
Marty has survived and walks over to sit with the still dying Dana who tells him, “I don’t think Curt even has a cousin,” which is even funnier. She apologizes for almost shooting him and he apologizes that she’s dying, telling her he gets it and pulls out a joint and a lighter. Marty apologizes for letting her get attacked and for letting the world end and they are chill with that as they smoke the J because eh, humanity, which is very 2012.
Dana tells him she wishes she could’ve seen humanity end and Marty agrees it would’ve been a fun weekend as they brace for the collapse of the temple they’re inside of. Out from the cabin in the woods comes a giant hand crackled with fire within that slams down onto the forest floor and the camera to bring on the end credits.
This is a badass movie that makes me laugh every time I watch it. I’m a sucker for attention to detail and easter eggs and this movie is littered with them from start to finish. With so many that I find new ones even now like the intern in the background security footage this go-around.
Cabin in the Woods is still one of my favorites, especially because it’s an underdog of a favorite, with many people writing it off early on due to the premise and cast. I recall this being around the time when you couldn't think anything was cool or that would be lame. This is definitely something cool however, creating an interesting and fun world that we discover as we go, albeit sometimes a little too on the nose, it’s fun and keeps you entertained.
The Menu (2022)
The Menu (2022)
Spoiler-Free Intro
Spoiler-Free Intro
The initial trailer for The Menu doesn’t bury the lead, it full stop tells us what to expect: a chef is going to torture his dinner guests, assuming due to their arrogant wealth, but one guest, our main character, Margot Mills played by Anya Taylor-Joy, puts a wrench in his plan when she attends unexpectedly and not so wealthy after-all. After watching I scratched my head and wondered, “since they told us the plot, what else is there to see?” but regardless based on the cast and set details alone I planned on watching.
It’s no secret that since 2020 the wealth disparity in our world, and more specifically the US, is out of control. According to Ineqaulity.org the “combined wealth of all U.S. billionaires increased by $2.947 trillion to $5.019 trillion between the start of the pandemic in March 2020 to October of 2021. While some lost jobs, homes, loved ones, and futures, the most well off in our country almost doubled their net worth, which had already reached astronomical disparity from the rest of the country prior to the pandemic.
It is hard for us normies to wrap our heads around such obscene levels of wealth as well as such obscene and blatant wealth hoarding. Three men alone, Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, and Jeff Bezos, “own as much as the bottom half of Americans” as far back as pre-pandemic times. Most of us have no idea outside of speculation how “the other half lives” and vice versa for their understanding of how normal people live (we only have to remind ourselves of the celeb “Imagine” scandal at the start of 2020).
The Menu takes us behind the curtain into how bizarre and unhinged those who can afford over $1,000 tickets to one dinner act and what they’ll put up with. Despite the staff doing odd and threatening things from start to finish all of the dinner guests aside from Margot believe it’s normal and part of this immersive dinner experience and the mystical menu by chef Julian Slowik, played expertly by Ralph Fiennes.
Part 1 Synopsis
Part 1 Synopsis
Slowik is the chef all of the dinner guests have come for, a celebrity in his own right, something of a Gordon Ramsey if Ramsey got really pretentious in his career. This elite, private dining experience is only accessible via boat, isolated from society. All of the food comes from the island itself and is grown, gathered, and prepared by loyal Slowik followers who also live on the island in cult-like quarters. They eat, sleep, breathe the menu and curate these dinners. This doesn’t appear as off as it should to the dinner guests however, as they tour the island and learn about Slowick’s set up prior to being seated at dinner.To Margot and anyone watching this is a huge red flag worthy of keeping in the back of one’s mind. The red flags don’t stop there, the crew is precise to a fault, responding to Slowick’s loud, domineering claps with a resounding (and in union), “Yes Chef!” from wherever they are working. Slowick maintains a watchful eye over their work and the inner workings of the dinner guest’s relationships and conversations. Every group (or pair) at this restaurant is there for a reason though, unbeknownst to them, that pertains to Chef Slowick’s attempts at a career finale of sorts. Without giving too much away each person has pissed him off, wronged him, or stands for something he believes took the integrity and passion out of his career. One spoiler worth talking about being how he informs them of this detail that has seemed to slip their self-centered minds. During the main course, which the attending food critic points out is his signature tacos, comes with personalized, laser engraved tortilla shells in metal wraps. Each table’s tortillas have images or symbols alluding to why they’re there tonight. For example, the group of finance-bros who work for a scummy business man that screwed over Sowlick receive tortillas with financial statements on them. The type of financial statements no one should have access to but them, that prove their illegal dealings. This is the perfect way to inform the audience of the character’s connections to the chef without weirdly placed flashbacks or lame exposition. The characters are for the most part multidimensional (aside from the finance bros) and interesting to learn about. While learning about them we see how they either unravel or adapt to this out of the norm scenario of being informed everyone will die tonight before dinner ends.
Part 2 Synopsis
Part 2 Synopsis
We have the rich older couple with an estranged daughter and an escort loving patriarch, the stan level obsessed Slowick fan played by Nicholas Hoult, the out of touch food critic played by Janet McTeer and her yes man lackey, Paul Adelstein. A washed up celebrity, John Leguizamo, with his clout chasing assistant, played by Aimee Carrero and of course the insufferable, elitist, classist finance bros: played by Rob Yang, Mark St. Cyr, and Arturo Castro. Each a satirical representation of the wealthy elite that tortures us all with their flashy attempts at feeling fulfilled. One can only assume that the type of people who’d spend this much money on dinner and take a boat to a private island in order to have it probably aren’t of the most sound minds. This is shown to be apparent by the conversations that show what these people care about (nothing outside of themselves or their own wants and desires) and how they treat those they view as “beneath them” like the host, played by Hong Chau.Hong Chau gives an excellent performance as someone who follows the Chef and aspires to be a dutiful disciple but also puts some of the dinner guests in their place. The character, Elsa, is not impressed or intimidated by the guest’s status which throws more than one of them off during the dinner. It’s a refreshing juxtaposition to the guests who often caused me to roll my eyes at their obscenity.Once things hit a fever pitch and it becomes clearer to the guests that the odd occurrences of the night are not a part of some experimental dinner but in fact this cult carrying out their big suicide and murder plot they still do very little to save themselves. It’s a great overall show that people in positions like this have proven they often lack the fight to survive that comes with day in and day out reminders to be grateful for what you do have.
Conclusion & My Thoughts
Conclusion & My Thoughts
The various meal courses that become more dangerous and scary throughout the movie develop the various characters and their relations to one another. One big example being the dinner among the women guests and how they relate to and view one another as women but also with the intersectionality of class.
Characters I found to be insufferable at the start I found myself warmed up to by the end, to the point of being almost sad when the final moments of the night unfold and their fates are revealed. The ending makes sense and fulfills the film's promises in unexpected but interesting ways.
Despite feelings that not many things could be revealed that hadn’t been in the trailer I found myself pleasantly surprised at the level of attention and detail to this straightforward thriller. I found the funny moments landed excellently and despite a lack of gore I felt uncomfortable and tense based on the situations unfolding throughout. Not to mention, who doesn’t like a little “get out the guillotine” horror these days.
I highly recommend watching this movie, I myself plan on watching it a few more times just to see what details I missed the first go around. Well done and much applause to the director, Mark Mylod, and the excellent cast.
More Middlings by Subgenre
More Middlings by Subgenre
Supernatural
Supernatural
Movies like The Skeleton Key (2005) and Hell House: Lineage (2025)
Real World
Real World
Movies like Kristy (2014), Pilgrim (2019), Influencer (2022) & Companion (2025)
Slashers
Slashers
Movies like The Children (2008), Malignant (2021) & Faceless After Dark (2023)
Psychological
Psychological
Movies like Incident in a Ghostland (2018), 1BR (2019) & Hypnotic (2021)
More Reviews
More Reviews
Tiny Length: Short & mostly spoiler free reviews that are sporadically posted.
By Subgenre Middlings (More Info Above): Reviews seperated onto different pages by horror subgenres in a similar set-up to this middling reviews page.
Text Only: Reviews in only text form that are in a shared Google Drive folder.
Full Franchise Review: Watching entire franchise worth of titles and reviewing them through a franchise-related-topic lens similar to topic deep dive posts.
Topic Deep Dives: In-depth overview and analysis of horror related topics coupled with reviews of movies that exemplify the covered topic.
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